You know those moments from your past that haunt you? Sometimes it can be any where; while driving, waiting in line at the store, doing your hair, or even doing chores around the house. Suddenly this moment decides to creep up and reclaim it’s former glory while leaving you in a puddle of messes as you break apart. For me, the worst time is when these moments take over my dreams and leave me exhausted and confused.
I was in an abusive relationship for nearly three years. I left him after the first beat down, but then when back to him. Although he was abusive, I was madly in love with the jerk. I would have done anything I could to hold on to him tighter and never let go. It’s been nearly four years since he got arrested and I left. It took a long time for me to get past the fear of every day life, to lose a lot of the nightmares behind, to try and move past the pain.
I woke up this morning from a dream of one of our ‘good’ times. (When you’re in an abusive relationship; the good times are a thousand times better because the bad times were always so horrendous.) This dream was vivid and real and for a moment after waking up, I actually thought I was still near him. I was shaken and confused by the way the dream made me feel. (Ergo the picture) I don’t always have these PTSD dreams, not nearly as much as I used to, but when they spring up and fill me with old past feelings…I feel like I will never get past it.
This man left a pretty deep scar that still burns and aches. I have been lost in thought since I woke up because regardless of the abuse, I realize my heart still longs for him. My heart goes out to all those who have been or are in an abusive relationship. It is possible to move one and leave it behind. But this kind of ‘break up’ is one that isn’t easy to leave mentally or emotionally. It is a daily struggle. Every day I have to remind myself that it is okay to still feel deeply for someone who didn’t feel the same with me, it means that my heart may be broken but there is hope for it to be fully healed again. As long as you keep walking forward, you will be healed.
So, ladies and men (yes, men get abused too) let’s stand together and walk forward to a future where we can see hope and know love, real love, is possible again.
Thanks for reading and tell me your stories, if possible. How did you get past the symptoms of PTSD? How did you find strength to move forward? Share and share with all those abused hearts that are connected to you.
Megan Riot Matthews