When the past haunts your dreams….

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You know those moments from your past that haunt you? Sometimes it can be any where; while driving, waiting in line at the store, doing your hair, or even doing chores around the house. Suddenly this moment decides to creep up and reclaim it’s former glory while leaving you in a puddle of messes as you break apart. For me, the worst time is when these moments take over my dreams and leave me exhausted and confused.

I was in an abusive relationship for nearly three years. I left him after the first beat down, but then when back to him. Although he was abusive, I was madly in love with the jerk. I would have done anything I could to hold on to him tighter and never let go. It’s been nearly four years since he got arrested and I left. It took a long time for me to get past the fear of every day life, to lose a lot of the nightmares behind, to try and move past the pain. 

I woke up this morning from a dream of one of our ‘good’ times. (When you’re in an abusive relationship; the good times are a thousand times better because the bad times were always so horrendous.) This dream was vivid and real and for a moment after waking up, I actually thought I was still near him. I was shaken and confused by the way the dream made me feel. (Ergo the picture) I don’t always have these PTSD dreams, not nearly as much as I used to, but when they spring up and fill me with old past feelings…I feel like I will never get past it. 

This man left a pretty deep scar that still burns and aches. I have been lost in thought since I woke up because regardless of the abuse, I realize my heart still longs for him. My heart goes out to all those who have been or are in an abusive relationship. It is possible to move one and leave it behind. But this kind of ‘break up’ is one that isn’t easy to leave mentally or emotionally. It is a daily struggle. Every day I have to remind myself that it is okay to still feel deeply for someone who didn’t feel the same with me, it means that my heart may be broken but there is hope for it to be fully healed again. As long as you keep walking forward, you will be healed. 

So, ladies and men (yes, men get abused too) let’s stand together and walk forward to a future where we can see hope and know love, real love, is possible again. 

Thanks for reading and tell me your stories, if possible. How did you get past the symptoms of PTSD? How did you find strength to move forward? Share and share with all those abused hearts that are connected to you. 

Megan Riot Matthews


Society Crumbling

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I know I made plans to do a different post today, but in all honestly it isn’t ready at all. So instead I am going to post a new poem I wrote this morning. Hope ya’ll don’t mind.

Society Crumbling

Written by Megan Riot Matthews (c)

 

This body was never meant to be held down

Or pushed down the cattle rows with prods

This mind was never created to be controlled

Or cut to pieces by those filled with jealousy

This heart was meant to be broken

But not shattered and left to cut my insides

This soul was never made to be put in a box

Or stifled and muted turning it gray

This person stands before you with a bleeding heart

It still pumps while it sits in her hands

The shards of glass are slicing pieces away

As the blood drips from her finger tips

Her feet become covered and stained

By the pack of bull shit lies this world thrives on

Tears and blood, they mix together

As society watches, they cheer for more

This body was always meant to be more

More than an actress for your pleasure from my pain

So she stands in awe of the desires around her

To wait and watch as she breaks and falls

Being sick sucks

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Sorry for no recent posts, I have been pretty sick and haven’t been too motivated to write much. But now that I am feeling better, I plan to get back to blogging. Have a great Monday!

Megan Riot Matthews

Wordy Saturday!

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I have always loved words. Words seem to be more powerful than anything. A simple word could make someone smile, laugh, cry, mad, and even destroy someone’s mental state. My Aunt, also a lover of words, has always made it a point to give new words and definitions when she speaks. Something I have always admired. Like my Aunt, I love to find words in different languages and I also really enjoy finding funny words with amazing meanings. I also dive into names. I like learning the reason behind the name. So, today I have 6 words to share. Six words I find interesting, funny, or just plain awesome.

Fard: Verb; to apply cosmetics to your face. This is hilarious.

Redamancy: Noun; The act of loving the one who loves you; a love returned in full. This words just sounds romantic.

Morosis: Noun; The stupidest of stupidest. Perfection.

Whelve: Noun. To bury something deep; to hide. Love this word.

Sillage: French. Noun. The scent that lingers in the air, the trail left in the water, the impression made in space after something or someone has been and gone; the trace of someone’s perfume. So beautiful.

Gleed: Noun. A glowing coal. Just plain cool.

Are there any words you love or just can’t stop saying? Let me know!

Megan Riot

Things are being loved. People are being used.

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 I woke up and made some coffee and of course, my usual morning ritual, got on Pinterest for inspiration. I find so many cool things when I am looking for inspiration. And today, I woke up with this need of poetry to read and fall in to. So, there I lay in my bed curled up with my beautiful furbaby pit bull and look for the right emotions. I found quite a few for a project I am working on (to be announced at a later date) and then came across this one from John Green, Looking for Alaska. 

This hit home for me. I have been in multiple conversations about the society we live in with different generational people. 

When asked, ‘which one would bring love into your heart; things or people?’

To be honest, I wasn’t too surprised to hear both answers. I grew up in a home with a mother who was always more focused on money and getting the newest and best. As some might say, she is a spending whore . She would spend money on things she thought she needed, wanted, or had to have. And she never really spent money on the family unless it was Christmas or birthdays

I should mention that even if I don’t get along with my mother, I am grateful for how I was raised and all the things she did do for me.

Back to the original reason for this post. Ha.

I have also met both men and women who have chosen love for things over people. Money, cars, bling, clothes, huge house, and all the superficial things you can think of.

I am a firm believer of loving people over things. Now, when I refer to things; I mean items and objects not animals or nature. We were created to love others and take care of this earth that we are on and all that comes with it. We should be honorable over the things that were created to be used as well as using integrity with people.

Some where, we got lost and chose to love that big flat tv screen, that Lamborghini, the diamonds on celebrities, the clothes in the magizines instead of focusing on loving those around us. 

Let be real, when we leave this earth and become one with the dirt and worms; and our souls/spirits go to the other side (however you believe) … what are you taking with you? Nothing but your memories and heart. 

We should stop focusing on what we WANT over the NEED to connect. At some point, I hope more and more people will realize how amazing life is when you stop focusing on the things we were MEANT to use and the people who were MEANT to be loved.

I’m curious, how do you feel about this subject? 

Megan RaRa

Winter is Coming (A Poem)

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The hair raised from my skin

The goose bumps began to rise

My bladder full

I began to whine

It’s too cold in this room

Too cold in this house

Feeling frozen in a no snow

Filled winter wonderland 

Burro and burro

Under the covers

I hug my sweet pit bull

I miss the warmth, the sun

Afraid this cold air

With freeze me into no one 

©Megan Riot Matthews